to a black-sand beach on a dark and cloudy evening at the luxurious, mysterious SPUKEE RESORT. Emily and her friend, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, are lounging on the beach -- not in regular old lounge chairs, but in ancient carved black thrones. Of course, they are fully dressed, enjoying their moonbathing session from behind enormous sunglasses. Er, moonglasses.

Emily: Our readers at home would love to hear all about your fabulous beachwear.

ELVIRA: Oh this old thing? Got it right off the "rack" - Frederick's of Transylvania. Even though it's got pretty good coverage, I don't take any chances. I always wear a sunscreen with an SPF of 1000 or higher for that deathly pale glow.

Moonbathing session over, Emily and Elvira head to the shuffleboard court. It's no ordinary game; they use fossilized knucklebones on a court made of bleached batwings. And when their knucklebones get knocked out of reach, they use long, fleshless legbones to bring them back in. It's enough to give anyone a hearty appetite.

I'm gonna ring the monkey butlers. What's your favorite dish?

My favorite is "Trick or Treat Stew." Y'know all that old candy you have left over from Halloween? You just throw it in a pot with a couple a carrots, a little celery and an onion or two and simmer. Of course you leave the wrappers on...that's where all the vitamins are!

Of course, no resort would be complete without a full-service beauty salon, and every ghoul wants to look her best while on vacation. So Emily and Elvira turn themselves over to teams of top vampire beauticians, who primp, crimp, curl, cut, blow, dab, tuck, spritz, poof, slice and dice them until they look utterly...the same as always, of course. It's also a great opportunity to share girlish secrets, heart to heart...

What do you hide in your hair? I keep spare slingshots in mine.

Rats, of course. I like to carry my two little buddies, Sam & Ella, with me where ever I go!

Hanging out in Paradise Lost can be stressful, and nothing takes the pain away like a vigorous massage by your friendly skillful zombie masseuse. Even face down on the massage tables, getting worked over, Emily and Elvira keep the conversation going!

Are you personal friends with any of the undead?

Well, I occasionally hit the graveyards when I'm tryin' to dig up a date for Saturday night. (OR ) I went out with a zombie once, but I had to keep my eye on him all the time. That's because his kept falling out.

Like all the finest hotels and resorts around the world, Spukee Resort has its own museum, where visitors can be haunted and enchanted by an amazing collection of blacklight paintings, Jurassic technology, freaks of nature, braaaaaaaains, and nightmarish sculptures. Elvira takes Emily behind the velvet ropes on a little tour of her favorite creepy pieces...

What does this do?

Oh, you haven't seen one of those before? It's called a Magic Eight Ball Microwave. You never know what you're gonna get, but it does one helluva job cooking it!

Now of course, when night falls, we all know what happens at a resort, even the spooky variety: DANCE PARTY! When Emily and Elvira hit the floor, they really clear out the place--no one likes being kicked in the head with a steel-toed stiletto, apparently!

When was the last time you lost your soul?

The day Otis Redding died. No really--I once signed my soul over to the devil if he'd pay off my credit card debt. It turned out to be a trick, though. All I can say is: never trust a guy with little red horns.

Now, it would be a tragedy to visit the Spukee Resort and not go yachting. Emily and Elvira love tragedy, but they love yachting even better. What makes it even more thrilling is knowing the waters are infested with giant flesh-eating squid, ravenous sharks (AKA the murderous vacuum cleaners of the ocean), and deadly underwater mines - ready to blow that yacht to kingdom come at the slightest tap! Anything could go wrong - and hopefully will.

What would make this a perfectly wicked vacation for you?

Just spending a little down-time lying on the beach at night, moon-bathing, with a coupla "ice-cold zombies," and I ain't talkin' about the drinks!

Scuba diving really is one of the most inspiring, tranquil, relaxing ways to get in touch with all of nature's beautiful underwater rainbows. So naturally, Emily and Elvira stay as far away from scuba diving as possible.

Tell me about the legend of this island.

Well believe it or not, Emily, this island was once part of the legendary chain of islands known as the Vulturians--until the islanders began to get stingy with their virgin sacrifices and one by one, the evil Island Gods destroyed them--the first one by a volcano, the second one by a hurricane and the third by a huge rogue wave, until there was only this one left! Makes ya feel kinda safe & cozy, doesn't it?

Never let it be said that Emily is afraid of a little eXtreme sports. Nothing like cliffdiving blindfolded to get the ol' heart pumping! True, the water is an awfully long way down, and those rocks at the bottom are terribly sharp, but...well, she's been lucky so far!

What advice would you give young people who are feeling lost?

Pull over and ask directions!

A truly great resort provides for all its visitors' needs: food, sleep, braaaaaaains, and shopping. Emily and Elvira are pretty thrilled with Spukee Boutique - absolutely everything is BLACK!

What does the color black mean to you?

Black means never having to do the laundry!

When the nights are clear, visitors to Spukee Resort gather on the beach with our resident astronomer, who points out all of Emily and Elvira's favorite constellations: The Severed Heads, The Nurse With Wound, The Dry Lungs, The Skinny Puppy, and The Throbbing Gristle.

What do you see when you close your eyes?

A tiny image of Elvis which I had tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.

Hey, even the spookiest resort gets boring after a few hours. Luckily there's a movie theater-- the Zombie Braaaaaaains Movie House. It's perfect for a little mindless entertainment.

What is your favorite scariest movie of all time?

Definitely The Creeping Terror! If ya haven't seen it, it's about a dangerous shag carpeting that goes on the rampage & eats a bunch of college kids.

What's the best thing to snack on during a movie?

Personally I like pork tartare. One word of caution however. Don't leave it in the trunk of your car overnight!

And when the movie's over, turn out the lights: It's time for karaoke, with an audience of zombies applauding their butts off! Uh, literally!

What song do you want to sing?

I happen to know that Zombies just LOVE country -- How 'bout that ol' Patsy Cline fave, "I Fall to Pieces"??

What's Paradise Lost without a little bit of gettin' lost? Emily and Elvira take a hike, and soon find themselves hopelessly disoriented in a tropical jungle where all the vines look like snakes dangling from the trees and twisting around the branches. Yet they seem so happy to be lost, you'd think they were out for a Sinday stroll.

What type of training would you recommend for a pet viper?

Paper training. There's nothing worse than a viper that's not house-broken!

What do you like most about being LOST?

My fans can't find me. Hey, even the Mistress of the Dark can use a break sometimes!

But the situation is getting more dire - Emily and Elvira are up to their waists in a steaming black swamp! All around them, ghastly monster shapes are staggering closer...and closer! Huddling together in the center of the swamp, our heroines bravely face whatever dark dangers the night has in store for them!

What do you see in those shadows?

I'm not sure, but it could be my relatives!

Oh, dear. Gentle Reader, I'm afraid it is not looking good for Emily and Elvira. They've sunk up to their necks in the tar-black swamp, terrifying zombie monsters are drooling for their braaaaaaains, and...we're out of time.

Well, Elvira, it's time to wrap up our stay in Paradise Lost. Got any lost words?

Unpleasant Dreemz!